PR All-St★rs 5, Ep 6: It May Be Baroque But I Didn't Ba-raque It*

Well, after last week’s nekkid challenge, this week we’re going into the past as the designtestants head to Medieval Times. But there aren’t any giant turkey legs to gnaw on and toss to the ground, and, No, Sam and Kini won’t be jousting. This trip is about Baroque fashion, as we learn when Alyssa Milano arrives on horseback with the details.

The designtestants must create a couture-inspired gown based on ideas from the Baroque period. And because couture takes weeks and weeks and hundreds of hours, the designtestants have two days … and $300 to spend at Mood to create that mood.

Let’s rip …

THE SAFES

clockwise from top left

ASHA

It’s a pretty dress, a nothing dress, but it has nothing to do with Baroque.

DOM

I liked this, even if it does seem like Asian Princess Gone Baroque.

EMILY

Zanna was right; I liked this look better every year when Halle Berry wears it to the Oscars.

KINI

It’s kinda Baroque, with the appliqués, but the red reads Asian to me, and haven’t we seen Kini’s upside umbrella skirt more than we really need to?

THE BOTTOMS

ALEXANDER

He reminds us he’s a costume designer so he can do this, and then he proceeds to sketch a large hip flange over a simple skirt that looks nothing at all like what he created.

He is, however, paying attention to details, with velvets and lace and pearls and sequins, though Zanna warned him that it didn’t look modern at all … or Baroque.

WHAT HE SAID

Elegance pops into my head!

WHAT I SAID

He was so worried about creating a Baroque costume, that he created a costume worn by an extra in Titanic.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ called it Breakfast at Tiffany’s and not at all Baroque couture — I loved the way she said, “Bah-roque cu-tour.”­—and she wished he’d edited out some of the details. Isaac said the pearls were more Elizabethan than Baroque, while Marchesa co-founder Karen Craig believed the pearls and the styling made the whole shebang a costume. Super-supermodel Coco Rocha called the look “grandmamma,” and Alyssa said it was a well-made gown, er, costume, from the wrong era. I loved when Isaac called it a pretty dress, and the Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ snapped, “It’s not a pretty dress, it looks cheap.” Ow.

LAYANA

She doesn’t do couture, but she did couture at Oscar de la Renta so she knows she has this. She finds a beautiful brocade fabric in yellow and black and so she knows she has this. She’ll make a beautiful ball gown so she knows she has this.

But she pairs the brocade with a dirty brown skirt and then cannot make a ball gown because she’s out of fabric. But she still knows she has this one … “I’m gonna win!” Zanna liked the detail but didn’t feel it was modern or sexy and she’s worried because the challenge was to design a gown.

WHAT SHE SAID

I love it so much!

WHAT I SAID

It’s like an Old West Madam meets Matador. It’s not gonna win.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Isaac said it wasn’t a bad look, but it was less couture and more factory-made couture. The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ thought there were just too many great ideas and Karen loved the brocade but not with the brown skirt. Coco Rocha nailed it by saying it was a cheap costume.

MITCHELL

Mitchell thinks he has this because he’s all about the details … except he can never finish the details. And, he’s making a mullet-gown because nothing says Baroque like a mullet-gown in a fabric that looks oddly cheap and badly sewn before he even touches it. He seems so overcome with the undone details that when his model comes in he doesn’t even have the skirt, just the odd bodice.

Zanna worries that it looks more dungeons and Dragon and then Mitchell says he wants to make “grieves” — think ‘thigh-highs’ — which Zanna thinks might be the Wow. Except, again, Mitchell runs out of time and cannot get the grieves on. He also cannot fix a busted zipper and makes do with a weird back panel.

WHAT HE SAID

It’s obvious that I put a lot of effort into it.

WHAT I SAID

And a lot of a lot … it’s too much, but then it’s missing the grieves, and the skirt looks like a shredded wrap.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ said it wasn’t Baroque, and called out the zipper catastrophe, while Alyssa said she loved the bodice but found the skirt, and the proportions, upsetting. Isaac agreed that it looked awkward on the model, calling it banal and unflattering, and Coco Rocha said it was the shoes that killed the whole look. Karen agreed about the good bodice and the horrid skirt and awful shoes.

THE TOPS

VALERIE 

At the outset of the challenge Valerie says she has this, even though it’s not exactly in her wheelhouse and she’s still a bit crushed after last week’s near elimination. But, she perseveres and creates a faux corset look and a skirt with pleats — prompting Mitchell to beg her to do something else.

It’s light and airy and has Valerie’s Not-Really-Patented geometric design to it, but Zanna worries that it’s not enough and there’s no Wow Factor. But Valerie doesn’t seem to be able to do wow, so she just soldiers on …

WHAT SHE SAID

I’m excited! I think it’s just the right amount of classic and simplicity.

WHAT I SAID

It’s a Baroque peasant girl. And it’s neither here nor there. Not good, not bad, not great.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ loved that it “referenced” Baroque without going all the way there; and she loved the corset lines without an actual corset. Isaac called it fresh and plain, but new, while Alyssa also loved it. Karen thought it a medieval costume and said it wasn’t pushed enough, while Coco Rocha said it was well-made.

SAM

He got an idea in head about the Sistine Chapel and ran around Mood looking for it; um, it’s in Italy, Sam. So, he settled on one fabric, a flowered lace and a couple of trim pieces. But he soon realizes that, unless the dress is sewn over muslin you’ll be able to see lady-bits, so he asks Dom for advice, and she tells him to cut some of the flowered pieces and lay them over the dress to cover up things no one wants to see.

Uh oh; another designer helps Sam … what will he do? Well, when Zanna asks about it, he says it was his idea to layer the lace so it wouldn’t be sheer. Thanks Dom! Cue a Kini Side-eye.

WHAT HE SAID

I am so proud of myself. I worked that out … I worked so hard …

WHAT I SAID

It’s pretty, very pretty, but you’d have to really stretch to get Baroque from that dress in either the fabric or the design.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Isaac called it pretty, and loved the covered up lady-bits and Coco Rocha agreed about the placement of the flowers. Karen Craig loved the fabric, but said it wasn’t Baroque while the Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ dubbed it a light Baroque, or Baroque-lite; she also called it fresh and feminine. Alyssa wasn’t feeling it and said it wasn’t couture, it was just a great fabric draped on the model.

KEN

We learn that Ken has never won a challenge, even in his original season, though I think he did win the Don’t Murder Another Designer Challenge … anonymously.

He’s all about a strong powerful woman and so he creates a long body conscious gown with a semi-cape. He loves the fabric — though he doesn’t love it when Mitchell compares it to tree bark — and keeps the front covered and the back sexy. Zanna thought it looked heavy and kind of medieval costume party but Ken sniffed and didn’t change a thing.

WHAT HE SAID

She looks like a tall glass of wine.

WHAT I SAID

She looks like a dragon come to back to life as a woman, and I mean that in a good way. Loved.It.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

The Beautiful Georgina Chapman™ said it was a bold statement, and that it was couture and austere and elegant. Alyssa loved the strong powerful feminine vibe and loved the sequin-lined cape, while Isaac said Ken is great at what he does, but this look wasn’t his favorite. Karen loved the color and called it modern Baroque, while Cocoa Rocha said she hated it when she first saw it, but then the model really worked it, and she fell in love with it.

Valerie didn’t wow anyone but she’s safe, so it comes down to Sam … please not Sam, please not Sam … and Ken, who finally gets his first win, and the added bonus of designing something for Marchesa’s upcoming Nota collection.

Alexander is safe, for hitting an iceberg with his Dinner on the Titanic gown, and Layana is safe for her Toreador Saloon Girl chic, which leaves us with Mitchell, who is finally out for, yet again, not finishing a look, even an awful one.

I couldn’t help but giggle at Layana’s shock that she was in the bottom. The color alone should have been clue enough.

LINES OF THE NIGHT

Ken, suggesting an idea for Sam:

“I think Sam should make another jumpsuit … you’ve done eight jumpsuits so far.”

Sam’s retort:

“Eight jumpsuits in five challenges? I am impressive.”

Mitchell’s last word:

“Don’t forget Kini made one of them.”

That said, I am over Kini’s grudge against Sam. Either spill the tea or shut up … and enough with the side-eye already. Oy!

I kept thinking who it was that Mitchell reminded me of, and I realized it’s the flamingly gay Jack McFarland from Will & Grace. Only Jack was far funnier.

I’m needing Dom to step it up so she can get noticed. I love most of her work, but it always seems just shy of getting to the top.

Emily needs to go; I mean, she utterly ignored the challenge this week; her look was as Baroque as the plaid flannel pajama bottoms I’m wearing as I type this.

And finally, it looks like Ken drama as he goes off on Sam and then appears to storm off the show … with Sam whimpering in the background, “Bye gurl.”

What did YOU think?

*The post title is an old joke from The Dick Van Dyke Show. For you youngsters out there, think of it as a 1960s Seinfeld.