In 2008 The Montgomery's Fought For Prop 8 ... Now They Fight For Their Gay Son

Tom and Wendy Montgomery

While some may disagree, I steadfastly believe that all LGBT people should come out, and come out now. I firmly believe that, by coming out the homophobes and bigots will lose their, already waning, power over us. You see, when people who know you, people who love you, are told that you’re gay, the stigma of what homosexuality is, and isn’t, dissipates.

People will find out that The Gays are just like The Straights; we’re tall and short, and fat and thin; we’re every color, every faith, every language, every gender. And since we are so much like our straight counterparts—except in whom we love, whom we choose to share our lives with—coming out will only drive that point home.

I can say that as much as I want, but, you know, Harvey Milk said it first, and better, than I, or anyone else, ever could:

“Gay brothers and sisters,... You must come out. Come out... to your parents... I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives... come out to your friends... if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors... to your fellow workers... to the people who work where you eat and shop... come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake.”

And, if you’re still on the fence about the positivity of coming out, let’s take a look at how one young man’s coming out changed the minds of some people very close to him.

Wendy and Tom Montgomery are Mormons from California and back in 2008, during the heat of the Marriage Equality movement there, the couple went door-to-door to support the passage of Prop 8, AKA Prop H8.

Jordan Montgomery

What they didn’t know, at that time, was that their son Jordan, now 14, was gay, and growing up Mormon; and thinking about suicide because he couldn’t understand the church’s hard-line anti-gay stance that it is a sin which would cut him off from his family not only here on earth but in the afterlife. And, if Jordan Montgomery couldn’t be gay and Mormon, maybe he just shouldn’t be.

"I was mortified at the idea of being disowned by my parents. I was like, I do not want to be thrown out of my home. I definitely expected to be excommunicated and restricted from church. But I still wanted to be with the church, like, I'd grown up with it, it was my life … until now."—Jordan Montgomery

Jordan’s mother, Wendy, grew up in a conservative Mormon community, routinely hearing from her church, and in her own family, like "gay people are disgusting and immoral" and "AIDS is God's punishment for homosexuality."

"To be honest, before my son came out, I didn't know any other families who had gay kids. It's one of the things that's not talked about in my church, which makes it so much harder to deal with and know who to go to for help."—Wendy Montgomery

It wasn’t until Jordan turned 13 that his mother realized that he might have a secret. Jordan, a normally happy and exuberant child, suddenly began keeping to himself, withdrawing from his family. Wendy Montgomery, desperate to find out what was troubling her son, read one of his journal entries, where he wrote about being attracted to other boys. The words shook Wendy Montgomery to her core.

"I felt like what I saw his life would be – what I expected his life to be – as a Mormon boy was now gone. I saw preparing for a mission for our church – gone. I saw a temple wedding – gone. I saw him being a father – gone."—Wendy Montgomery

Suddenly she knew why he was depressed and silent, but how could she make sense of who her son was, and what her church said about him. The Mormon faith believes homosexuality is a sin, and gay children who come out are often excommunicated form the church and disowned by their families; faith, I guess, wins out over family.

Several days later, Wendy and Tom sat Jordan down and asked him, "Are you struggling?"

Jordan simply nodded. Wendy and Tom sat with him for hours, hugging him, holding him close, and telling him, “Jordan, this changes nothing. … You are perfect in our eyes. ... We will figure this out."

And they did. Wendy began researching homosexuality, what it is, was her son born that way. And while the Church told her that Jordan had ‘chosen’ homosexuality because it was a "popular thing to do," they also told Wendy Montgomery that her son would outgrow it. But she realized he wouldn’t; that it wasn’t a phase or a choice, and he wasn’t gay because it was cool. 

She began looking to the medical community for answers, and found that it isn’t a choice; it’s an identity—like being heterosexual. And it was through that research that she realized she didn’t have to choose between her faith and her child.

"You can't just leave some void for a young child to [think], 'God doesn't have a plan for me anymore. I need to fill him with purpose. And give him, show him, this is not the end of the world, this is the beginning of your world."—Tom Montgomery

The Montgomery’s, through their search for answers, came across Mitch Mayne, an openly gay active member of the Mormon Church who holds a priesthood leadership position in his congregation in San Francisco. Maybe had developed an intervention kit, with films and research materials, specifically aimed at gay Mormons and their families.

"What we are seeing is very much a cultural change within the Mormon faith. Sadly, Prop 8 branded Mormons as a hateful religion for the LGBT community. … We deserve a black eye for that, because it is one of the most un-Christ like things we have done as a religion. But the beautiful thing in the last few years is that we have seen tremendous change of heart."—Mitch Mayne 

But until now, Mayne said, there were few resource materials available to Mormons to educate themselves about homosexuality; the Church’s Book of Mormon makes no mention of homosexuality. Wendy Montgomery also went back to the Book of Mormon, to the core tent that, “Christ's most basic commandments were 'love god' and' love your neighbor.'"

And your son.

Today, Jordan is in the Boy Scouts working toward his Eagle Scout badge; the Mormon Church has accepted the recently adopted Boy Scout policy to allow openly gay youth. And, since Jordan is not sexually active, he holds an Aaronic priesthood in the church, which means he can pass the sacrament in a ceremony akin to a Catholic communion.

But it won’t be easy, being gay and Mormon; Jordan says he knows he’ll face some difficult times ahead at his conservative school, but Wendy Montgomery is on his side, and says, "I am on a first-name basis with the dean and am constantly fighting for him … For him, it's a double-edged sword – being open and at the same time he doesn't have the shame and self-hatred that comes with [being] closeted. But 'Mom, I can trust my friendships now. They know who I really am.'"

So, in those years since she and Tom hit the streets asking voters in California to deny same-sex couples the right to marry, Wendy Montgomery has learned that he campaigning could have hurt her son, as well. And she realizes now, having a gay son, that he isn’t so different from any other child, Mormon or otherwise.

"I am a better person for having a gay son. I love differently, and I love more openly. I didn't realize the judgment I had before I realized that having a gay son was a great blessing and not a burden."—Wendy Montgomery

Again, everyone needs to come out; it isn’t easy, I know. You can lose your family, you can lose your friends, but you will find yourself, and you will be happy because you won’t have that secret anymore. And every person to whom you come out makes it easier, and makes it better.

Decades ago, Harvey Milk asked, “If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door.”

I think it’s time we all do that for him, and for the Jordan Montgomerys out there.

source

US News | Weird News

The Montgomery family's struggle to reconcile their faith with full acceptance of their son's sexual  orientation is part of a video, "Families Are Forever," which had its premiere at Frameline 37: the San Francisco International LGBT Film Festival this past weekend.