I Ain't One To Gossip, But....We Need To Talk About The "Lohans"

Lindsay! Get your Lindsay here!

Last month, our favorite wacktress--though she may soon lose her crown....see story below--Lindsay Lohan had her last court appearance with regards to her "formal" probation; she's still being probed informally....does that sound right? Probed?

Anyway, the Lohan's did a victory lap in court, praising the almighty--Louis Vuitton or Ketel One, I forget whom they idolize this week--for Lindsay's remarkable turnaround from drug-crazed kidnapper, car-jacker and jewel thief to stand up citizen. Her morgue career was over! She was gonna be on Glee--apparently in Glee's latest Jump The Shark episode! And she would play her favorite icon--No, not Marilyn, that's so five minutes ago--Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime's Liz & Dick....which is not a porn film.

But......Lohan hasn’t “signed on” to the Lifetime film yet. So all of that preening and gloating and making up stories about how Liz Taylor gave her a ring mean nothing. Except to her spokesmoron, Steve Honig, who shrieked, “Lindsay is scheduled to start filming the movie the first week of May in Vancouver.” 

Only there is no contract. And then there's this, which may explain why producers are, um, reluctant, to give Lindsay a contract: it seems Lindsay is currently being investigated for ALLEGEDLY assaulting Marisa Dugas at The Standard Hotel in West Hollywood two weeks ago. And, get this, even though there are three people, including the accuser, who ID'd Lohan as the attacker, Lindsay says she was at home that night, watching TV.

Oh, Lindsay, really? Come up with a better excuse. If you'd said you were at home riding the last leg of a Vicodin high, we'd believe you, but "watching TV"? Even Dina spit her chardonnay out upon hearing that one.

And now on to Amanda Bynes. She used to be an actress, I guess, but then she "retired" at age 20. Then  kind of "unretired" and then "retired" again. And now she's on the fast track to be Hollywood's New Lindsay Lohan, AKA Lohan 2.0..

See, about two weeks ago, Lohan 2.0 was arrested for a DUI after hitting a police car and trying to drive away. And, like Original Recipe Lohan, who has Michael and Dina to be her co-dependents, Amanda's father stepped up to say that even though she was ARRESTED for a DUI, she does not drink. And then he muttered something about how lost she is without a career, even though she "retired"....ALLEGEDLY to the nearest bar.

Which happened. As soon as her bail was posted, Bynes went Full-Bore-Lohan and began partying  harder than ever. In fact, Lohan 2.0 even tried to get back into The Standard--the same hotel where Original Recipe Lindsay ALLEGEDLY  beat up that girl--shortly after her arrest. 

Then came pictures of Lohan 2.0 leaving Chateau Marmontafter a hard night of not-drinking, getting into her car and then start texting and driving, and backing her car up over a curb.

Yeah. She's going All Lohan. Except, unlike Lindsay who tried rehab 67 times, for a total of 13 hours, Amanda Bynes says she does not need rehab, no matter what her friends say.

Still, for Lohan 2.0, I see a future of jail, then rehab; followed by jail, jail, rehab, arrest, rehab, jail, party, rehab, jail, jail, arrest, Lifetime movie where she'll play Paul Lynde in Paul & Dick. If you get my meaning.

Now, since we've done Original Recipe Lohan, and then Lohan 2.0, let's take a look at ManLohan, or LoMan, AKA Gerard Butler.

Fresh from rehab--sound familiar--Butler was all kinds of crazy at Coachella over the weekend. He may, or may not, have been drunk, or high, but he was acting like quite the man-whore, chatting up any and all drunken female concert-goer, until he found one he could grind on in public, and then whisk her away to his favorite love-making spot: the Porta-Potty.

An eyewitness--and it might have been Lohan or Lohan 2.0, who never met a party they didn't want to get started--says, “Gerard partied like crazy at Coachella. He looked totally disheveled at one point and he looked like he was drinking whiskey. He appeared unsteady on his feet and was dancing like a crazy guy. He looked wasted to me.”

Another source--who may or may not have been Butler's PP date--says, “It looked like he was drinking throughout the day Saturday, he attended the Lacoste party and then he was at the Neon Carnival until 5 a.m.! He looked pretty sloppy.”

Even more telling, is that Butler's representatives have not denied the stories of ManLohan and his Hard Partying Horn Dog Weekend.

But, unlike Lohan, and Lohan 2.0, ManLohan's family is not covering for him. Butler's mother, in Scotland, has said she wants him to come home and get his head on straight, and settle down with a nice girl. 

That may not happen, with so many drunken girls and so many Rent-a-Pissers.

Meanwhile, back at Lohan 2.0, er, Amanda Bynes.

It seems People magazine is reporting that, after her DUI arrest, and after her Texting-Curb driving, Bynes had another “incident” behind the wheel of her car. People claims that around 10:30 pm on Sunday night, Bynes was “holding up traffic and doing an incredibly slow...3-point turn in the middle of Robertson...It was taking forever and she finally made it into the driveway...She looked wobbly--I guess it could have been the heels since she was wearing sky-high nude pumps, but she did seem out of it.” 

Oh, where oh where have we heard this story bef....oh, Original Recipe Lohan.

And Amanda Bynes doesn't like that comparison.

Just because she's been arrested for a DUI and is the latest It Girl on the club scene--'It' as in ShIT-faced Girl--Amanda is telling anyone and everyone that she is nothing like Original Recipe Lohan.

A source close to her--possibly her co-dependent daddy--says “Amanda thinks its extremely unfair that people are calling her the new Lindsay Lohan, Comparisons between the two are just ridiculous as Amanda has never been arrested for drug possession or for stealing anything. Yes, she got arrested for a DUI, but that doesn’t mean that she is headed down the same road as Lindsay...[S]he thinks it’s sexist that the two are being compared. Men in Hollywood that get arrested for DUI’s don’t face the same scrutiny that women do and that is what really irks Amanda. She isn’t taking the DUI arrest lightly."

She's kinda right about men and DUIs and women and DUIs, but let's take a closer look: former child star becomes wild child party girl who is often drunk in public and gets arrested. That's how Lindsay started. And that's how Lohan 2.0 is following suit.

I'm certain the drug arrests or jewel thief arrests are right around the corner.

Meanwhile, back at Original Recipe Lohan.

Even though she has yet to ink the deal to play Liz Taylor, the producers of that upcoming hot mess of a Lifetime movie are worried about their, um, star.

Not so much her public drunkenness.

Not so much her ALLEGED prescription med habit.

Not so much her brawling in bars.

No, they have asked that Lindsay lay off the Botox.

Rumors are swirling that Lohan is some $3 million in debt, and so she really needs this Lifetime gig. But then she thought, in a fit of vodka, no doubt--or is that fifth of vodka--that she needed some cosmetic help in playing Taylor so went all Botox and fillers and collagen and stuff and now the producers are rethinking their choice.

An insider close to the Lohan camp says that, before meeting Lifetime executives, Lindsay “was overdone with fillers, Botox and God knows what else. Word is that she had so many shots she went way overboard. And when they took one look at her – they were repulsed and shocked.”

According to the insider--and since they seem to be covering for Lindsay, you just know it's Dina, stepping away from the box wine--says, Lindsay had undergone some aesthetic touching up, but that the cracktress wasn't told by her doctor--because you know she uses some guy on a street corner working out of a refriegartot box--that "she wasn’t allowed to fly immediately afterward--and well, it was a catastrophe. In the course of Lindsay’s five-hour flight, the change in air pressure obviously did much damage and caused unexpected side effects."

Double-speak for, That's why she looks like The Joker.

And the Lifetime folks are excatly buying that story, because they have more than two brain cells to rub togetehr. They want to set conditions: Lindsay's 'people' must take a few photos of her with proof of date over the next few weeks to prove her face her face is back to normal--whatever that is--and then they'd continue in the porject with her.

But does anyone really think, given the mammoth changes in the Lohan Face that she can really ive up the Bo? I mean, that's like asking her to give up the Goose....Grey Goose.

Can't see it happening.

And, for even more Original Recipe: detectives from the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department have officially received the surveillance video from The Standard Hotel, from the night that  Marisa Dugas  claims Lohan assaulted her, and the video clearly shows original Rceipe at the club, despite her claims that she was at home "watching" television.

A law enforcement source says, “Investigators obtained the surveillance video from the Smoke & Mirrors night club...and it clearly shows that Lindsay was there on the night of the alleged assault. The investigation is still ongoing and follow-up interviews will now be conducted as necessary. Of course, investigators want to interview Lindsay about the incident, but she hasn’t been interviewed yet, nor is she under any obligation to do so. Remember, two other witnesses besides the alleged victim filed police reports, including the bouncer of the nightclub.”

Of course, Lohan's 'peope'--Steve Honig and Dina--originally denied Lohan was clubbing at The Standard that night, but then added, “We’re going to wait for the Sheriff’s Department to release their findings before we comment any further.”

Which doesn't mean Lohan won't be commneting. And, by commenting, i mean, going back to The Standard and getting into another fight with anothe rguest, though this time it was original Recipe who ended up with a drink thrown in her puffy face.

Here's that story: A Lohan hanger-on friend drove Lindsay to the hotel, pulled into the parking garage and hit another car. Witnesses say Lohan then called her dad, Michael, for help, and he dutifully showed up.

And took her into the bar for a few hours.

Around closing time, a woman made a snide comment about Lindsay showing up with her dad and Lindsay began screaming at the woman: “Shut the f**k up.”

And the woman did indeed stop talking. She threw her drink on the drunk.

I'm am so waiting for a night when original Recipe, Lohan 2.0 and LoMan show up at the same club and party and brawl together.

That would be some kinda night,. eh?