The Funny Papers

Darrin Bell, David Horsey, Bill Day, Bob Gorrell, Nick Anderson, Mike Luckovich, Steve Sack, Jim Morin, Clay Bennett, John Cole

It's Snarkurday!

A few weeks back, I posted about Mariah Carey’s diva behavior during her cameo role in the new Will Ferrell-Amy Poehler film The House, and now Cedric Yarbrough is spilling the tea about Carey:

“Yeah, a real funny cameo was SUPPOSED to happen in the new film #TheHouse with the superstar Mariah Carey. But it was ruined by superstar Mariah Carey. The film takes place in a suburban home but is made into a ‘Casino’. Why not have Mariah be an act in the casino? Funny idea. It’s rumored that she eventually showed up to set [four hours late]. ... While we waited the director & team had the idea of doing a stunt that Mariah’s body double would do now & bring in Mariah to match it. They do the stunt. All goes well. When Mariah finally showed up she refused to match the stunt. ‘Darling, I would never do it that way…’. I heard her say those exact words. She then requested a large fan for her hair to be blown around and a camera that would be above her, basically a crane shot. This lady was unprofessional & borderline abusive to our director, who tried his best to appease her every wish. ... This kind of behavior just isn’t cool. For you young actors, be on time, know your homework, but be courteous and respectful. ... I miss ‘Vision of Love’ Mariah. Be a damn professional.”

Luckily, I’m guessing, Mariah’s cameo has been cut from the film.

[photo]

Courteney Cox was so into cosmetic surgery and “treatments” that for quite a few years she’s looked like Cher doing an impression of Jack Nicholson as The Joker.

Now, in New Beauty magazine Cox says she regrets turning her face into a swamp for fillers and Botox. She says she has taken her face back to natural and so she looks much more like Courteney Cox ... circa 1984.

Just sayin’.

[photo]

Blac Chyna and Rob Kardastrophe wanted to be famous so they made a baby and turned their love mess into a reality show. But that got old; so they Reality-Show-Broke-Up and that became the show. Then that fizzled so their turned it into a Reality-Show-Custody-Battle over their 7-month-old daughter Kream Dream. That fizzled, too, so now they’re, ahem :::cough, cough::: Reality-Show-Back-Together and they let everyone ... the media ... know by filming a staged family date, on Father’s Day no less, at Disneyland.

How a Kardastrophe doesn’t spontaneously combust at Disneyland should be a show.

[photo]

Cameron Douglas, Michael Douglas’s son with ex-wife, Diandra, is a mess.

He spent time in federal prison for trafficking meth, and then stayed for a longer time in the Big House because he continually tested positive for drugs while in jail. And he was also jailed for trying to sell meth to an undercover agent.

Yeah, a mess. So I guess it’s no surprise to hear that Cameron failed another drug test while on probation—after he was caught trying to cheat on it. According to court documents Cameron had marijuana in his system during a random drug screening in April and at a May probation hearing, officers told the judge that a lab tech accused Cameron of “attempting to manipulate the results” of his drug test by submitting “something that was not his urine.”

Three tests were given and the third came back positive for marijuana.

But, here’s the rich white son of an actor privilege, probation officers asked the judge to be lenient toward Cameron because “relapse is part of the recovery process.”

Um, let’s see; sells meth, goes to jail; in jail he tests positive for drugs; out of jail he tries to sell meth to a cop; back in jail he’s still doing drugs; released from jail, he tests positive again.

Think about Cameron Douglas being a young Black man from somewhere, whose parents aren’t rich and famous. Would he get as many chances or would he be serving life by now.

Uh huh.

[photo]

Remember Hanson? Me neither. But I read this week that they were little pop stars a few years back and then kinda vanished because, well, Hanson.

Now, they’ve resurfaced and are coming for Justin Bieber.

Hanson, who are touring—apparently performing in Cracker Barrels around the US of A—recently went Down Under to appear in the Aussie version of a Cracker Barrel—the ‘Roo Shack? I dunno—and took part in a radio show game of Whose Song Is It Anyway? And when the Despacito remix—with Bieber singing[?] on it—was played, Hanson had no idea who it was and when they were told it was Bieber, Little Zac Hanson said:

“I prefer not to get any venereal diseases, so whenever Justin Bieber gets sort of near me or near my ears… it’s just ear infections, they’re terrible.”

His brother Isaac then chimed in:

“Chlamydia of the ear, it sucks.”

Well, not really, because one gets Chlamydia from sex, which is fun ... until you learn you have Chlamydia ... and listening to Bieber is anything but fun.

Get it straight, Hanson.

[photo]

Miles Teller is an actor who was in ... oh, I don’t really care ... but I do know he was arrested last weekend after literally falling down drunk and refusing to cooperate with police.

Law enforcement sources say Teller was partying with friends in San Diego when an officer noticed he was having trouble standing; the officer walked up to Teller and started questioning him, but he quickly became uncooperative.

Then Teller lost his balance and nearly fell into the street so the officer cuffed him, and was going to take him to a detox center—where police take someone who is drunk so they can sleep it off—but Teller refused to go. At that point Teller could have been arrested, but ... white actor privilege ... police still took him to the detox center, where he was still uncooperative and the staff kicked him out.

So, Miles Teller was arrested for being drunk in public and spent Lindsay Lohan Time—about four hours—in jail but he decided to spin it like this ... via Twitter, of course:

“Went down to SD to see my buddy before he deployed. I wasn't arrested I was detained bc there was no evidence to charge me with a crime.”

Um, you were arrested, honey; perhaps you were too drunk to remember.

“Don't believe everything you read, especially from a third party entertainment news source trying to get clicks. Appreciate the concern.”

No concern. You’re just an entitled little drunk-ass actor who was in that movie ... oh, who cares.

[photo]

A few weeks back word broke that a movie about Madonna’s life would be made and she went Madonna-shit all over Instagram about how dare people think they can tell her story.

And then, as if by magic, Madonna has decided to make her own film about her life and posted a make-up free selfie—because she’s a hardworking single mom, you know—on social media to reveal the news:

“A Woman’s work is never done!! 6 kids and many jobs = ratchet hair … Prepping my film not just whistling dixie!”

Seriously? Is anyone putting money into this sure-to-be mess? Madonna cannot act ... was anyone not listening to Patti LuPone ... and the only way I’d see this craptastic movie would be if Patti F**king LuPone plays the Material Girl.

I mean, since Madge ruined Evita for years to come, Patti can destroy Madonna ... and do so singing brilliantly.

[photo]

So the new movie, All Eyez on Me, about Tupac Shakur, is not getting great buzz, and is especially getting reviled by one Jada Pinkett Smith. While she thinks the actors—Kat Graham plays young Jada and Demetrius Shipp Jr. is Tupac—were fine, she was all over social media with her complaints about the rest of the film:

“Forgive me… my relationship to Pac is too precious to me for the scenes in All Eyez On Me to stand as truth.”

She’s furious that a scene depicts Tupac reading her a poem:

“Pac never read me that poem. I didn't know that poem existed until it was printed in his book.”

Oh, how horrible that they did that Jada! Though I imagine it’s called creative license?

“Pac never said goodbye to me before leaving for LA. He had to leave abruptly and it wasn't to pursue his career.”

Again, this is awful? This is bad filmmaking? Sit down.

“I've never been to any of Pac's shows by his request. We never had an argument backstage. ... The reimagining of my relationship to Pac has been deeply hurtful.”

But that’s what most biopics are, Jada ... reimaginings. Seriously, find me one film about a real person that doesn’t change a few details and switch things around for dramatic effect.

Crickets

I think Jada’s just mad that she and Will didn’t get to play the leads. So, again, Jada, sit down.

[photo]

And ... back to Madge, who used social media, once again, to prove what a bitch she is, once again.

Taking to Instagram last Sunday, she posted a photo of her family with “Happy Mother’s Day” written across the top, in addition to a caption that made clear she knew exactly what day it was:

“And Happy Father’s Day to Me too because lets face it …………,,..,,,,,… Im the Mommy and the Daddy. I don’t care what the papers say.”

Lovely mother, you know, because her children, who have fathers, will see that bitchiness, but what does she care; it’s all about her.

[photo]

Just days after a mistrial was declared in his sexual assault trial, Bill Cosby is said to be planning a motivational speaking tour ...

About what? How to drug and rape sixty women and not get arrested?

Oh, no, it’s not that at all. It’s about warning young athletes and even “married men” about the dangers of sex crime allegations.

Like I was saying ...

[photo]

This hurts ... seriously. My favorite actor, three-time Oscar winner, Daniel Day-Lewis is retiring from acting.

It hurts. I have been a fan of DDL’s from the very beginning and am always amazed by his portrayals—from a young bleached blonde gay punk to freaking Abe Lincoln, and everything in between.

My Beautiful Laundrette. My Left Foot. In The Name Of The Father. The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Sunday, Bloody Sunday. A Room With A View. Gangs of New York. Nine. The Last of the Mohicans. There Will Be Blood. The Age of Innocence.

DDL has one last film set for release this fall: an untitled drama set in the world of high fashion directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.

Day-Lewis did not give a reason for his retirement but his spokeswoman, Leslee Dart said:

“Daniel Day-Lewis will no longer be working as an actor. He is immensely grateful to all of his collaborators and audiences over the many years. This is a private decision and neither he nor his representatives will make any further comment on this subject. ”

Day-Lewis is the only performer to ever win three best actor Oscars.

I’ll miss his films because all of them are brilliant.

[photo]

I Didn't Say It ...

Nikos Giannopoulos, the openly gay Teacher of the Year, on his flamboyant fan usage and what _____ said about it:

“The fan was actually my partner’s. He bought it as a souvenir on a trip to Venice, but I found it about five years ago. Since then I’ve integrated in into my day-to-day life. I’m extremely campy and it’s a popular prop of mine. I’ve taken it with me all over the country whenever I go on vacation, so that’s why I had it. ... I have been visibly gay my entire life; I was more feminine than a lot of boys and I carried myself in a non-traditional gender expression. And I got a lot of flak for it. As a boy, I think I internalized that and didn’t embrace that part of me. Now, as an adult, I adjusted to my queer identity. So the fan represents self-acceptance and being unabashedly myself in a society that’s not always ready to accept that. ... Oh, [the president] loved it! I popped it open when I walked into the office because I’m a very sassy person. And [he] complimented it right away. He said, “I love the fan!” And he told me I had great style. Then, when I was ushered in for my private photo with the president and Melania I was told I should put it away. So I just folded it up and held it at my side. But when it came time for the photo, I just asked the president, ‘Do you mind if I use the fan for the photo?’ He said, ‘Absolutely go for it.’ So I popped my fan and did my pose.”

There seemed to be a thought that _____ didn’t know Nikos had the fan and that it was a Resistance moment, so, and yeah, I’m goin’ there, I think it’s kinda cool that _____ was so fun about the fan, and open to it.

He’s still a dick, but that was a Less Dick Move™.

[photo 1, photo 2]

Jim Acosta, CNN’s White House correspondent, on the no-video, no-audio press briefing Sean Spicer held this week:

“The White House press secretary is getting to a point, where he’s just kind of useless. You know, if he can’t come out and answer the questions and they’re not going to do this on camera or audio…why are we having these briefings or gaggles in the first place?”

Getting to the point? He’s a bully, a whiner, and let us not forget about the time he ducked into the bushes to hide from the press.

But, and there’s always a but, if Acosta thinks Spicer is useless what must he think of Sarah Hucklebrry Sanders?

Sidenote: I’ll take any opportunity to post a quote from Jim Acosta because he is hot.

Just sayin’.

[photo]

Sean Spicer, on the press:

“There’s a lot of them that want to become YouTube stars and ask some snarky question that’s been asked eight times. There is a bit of snarkiness now with the press, because, again, a lot of them are more focused about getting their clip on air than they are of actually taking the time to understand an issue.”

Yeah, they wanna become stars so they got themselves jobs as correspondents to the White House? This White House?

Sit down, Sean; Jim was right, you’re useless.

PS Before you say anything about the picture, I know.

[photo]

Milan Christopher, openly gay rapper, on his nude spread—emphasis on spread—Paper magazine:

“Well, I just feel like in our culture it’s so taboo for a guy to show their bodies but it’s ok for a woman to do it. I just kinda want to break that. I think I have a nice body and I think it’s art and I just think that it should be celebrated like they celebrate women’s bodies. So you know, I could be a guy and be gay and be black and be artistic and be artistic in a nude fashion shoot in the same way that anybody else could.”

And, since I’ve seen it, I can say, ‘Thank you, Milan.’

And thanks for breaking the stereotypes, too.

[photo]

Billie Lourd, actress, saying her mother, Carrie Fisher, died from mental illness and drug use:

“My mom battled drug addiction and mental illness her entire life. She ultimately died of it.  She was purposefully open in all of her work about the social stigmas surrounding these diseases. She talked about the shame that torments people and their families confronted by these diseases. I know my Mom, she’d want her death to encourage people to be open about their struggles. Seek help, fight for government funding for mental health programs. Shame and those social stigmas are the enemies of progress to solutions and ultimately a cure. Love you Momby.”

I still miss Carrie, and feel sad she couldn’t keep her demons in check and was still using the drugs that ultimately killed her. But she gets huge props for being so open about her demons—mental illness and drug abuse—because, even if she helped just one person, she’s done more than most of us.

RIP.

[photo]

Ryan O’Callaghan, former Patriots and Chiefs offensive tackle, coming out as gay and saying he had considered committing suicide before he received support from the Kansas City football organization:

“People need to understand that we are everywhere. We’re your sons, your daughters, your teammates, your neighbors. And honestly, even some of your husbands and wives. You just don’t know it yet. If you’re a gay kid and you hear someone you love say ‘fag,’ it makes you think that in their eyes you’re just a fag too. That got to me a lot.”

Prime example of Silence = Death. Had Ryan stayed silent, he might have ended up taking his own life.

Thankfully, he did not, and he’s here as an example for those who come after that it does get better.

Welcome out, Ryan, and please accept, as our gift from Homo HQ, a Coming Out Toaster Oven and your own copy of The Gay Agenda.

[photo]

Joe Biden, challenging the LGBT community to push back against _____’s administration.

“Hold President Trump accountable for his pledge to be your friend. Just because you don’t have Barack and me in the White House doesn’t mean it’s time to give up, keep quiet, stay on the sidelines.”

Normally, well, always, I’m Team Joe, but in this case, I do disagree because _____ doesn’t know from accountability. He only said he’d be our greatest ally because he thought we were stupid enough to buy it, and support him ... and some of us were.

So, we will not hold him accountable, we will not demand he speak for us, we will work to have him removed from office, quickly through impeachment, or slowly, through the elective process free from his buddy Vlad’s interference.

Either way, we’ll send him home.

[photo]

Random Musings

A thought on the murder—because it was murder—of Philando Castile by Police Officer Jeronimo Yanez.

Castile was doing everything right; offering his insurance proof, and then, when asked for license and registration, he calmly told the officer he had a firearm he was allowed to carry. Then when Castile reached for his wallet, Officer Yanez says he thought Castile was reaching for the gun and fired seven times at close range, with two bullets hitting Castile in the heart.

Here’s my thought: it was all going so calm and smooth; Castile was pulled over for a broken taillight. He was relaxed and calm and doing what the officer said but ...

What if, when Castile told the Yanez he had a gun, if Yanez hadn’t simply said—because there was no altercation, no raised voices, no hint of violence—“put your hands on the door and exit the vehicle.”

Then Yanez could have patted Castile down and removed the weapon—which Castile was allowed to carry—and the process could have gone on, a ticket issued and, thankfully, no one murdered because they were stopped for a broken taillight.

That’s all.

Either Newt Gingrich is a total moron, or he has such chutzpah, but ...

Since ______ has been blasting reports that he is under investigation for possible obstruction of justice, former House Speaker and serial adulterer, Newt Gingrich said the charges won’t stick because:

“Technically, the president of the United States cannot obstruct justice. The president of the United States is the chief executive officer of the United States. If he wants to fire the FBI director, all he has to do is fire him.”

Funny, cuz back in 1998 obstruction of justice was part of the impeachment proceedings that Hypocrite Gingrich led against former President Bill Clinton.

Asshat.

Last week, watching The Graham Norton Show, one of his guests was Anthony Joshua, World Heavyweight Boxing Champion. He is built like a brick sh ... he’s built. But he was also sweet and funny and hot.

Put it all together and he’s this week’s Hot Man Built Like A Brick Sh ...

He’s Hot.

A friend posted this to Facebook about the shooting at the ball field last week, and about Congressman Steve Scalise; he didn't write it and I wish I know who did because it just drips with irony:

"So let's get this straight. A rabidly anti-gay and white-supremacist congressman who recently voted to let mentally ill people have access to guns and who wants to repeal the Affordable Care Act had his life saved by a black lesbian married to a same-sex partner when he was shot by a mentally ill person and is currently under hospital care that is being paid for by government-funded health insurance. Sorry, there is way too much irony here to interrupt it with punctuation. Oh, and Capitol Police officer David Bailey is an immigrant who put his life on the line without hesitation to save all of those Republican Congressmen." 

Snap.

You know, I was all Team Caitlyn during her transition. I spoke up when people said moronic things about “him” both in life and online but ...

While I am still Team Trans, Caitlyn Jenner, since coming out as a transgender female, needs to stop talking. In the wake of the shooting of Steve Scalise last week, Caitlyn said:

“Nobody deserves what happened out there. There’s no justification. There are crazy people. We have to minimize that type of stuff.  ... Fortunately the guy was a really bad shot. Liberals can’t even shoot straight.”

Funny, right? Making a joke about a shooting. So, I Tweeted to Caitlyn:

You know, one other thing that Liberals can’t, and won’t do? Make jokes about gun violence.”

It’s past time for Caitlyn Jenner to sit down. Especially when you learn that Caitlyn also praised Officer Crystal Griner, the lesbian Capital Police Officer who was injured while taking down the shooter, and for not thinking about LGBT issues at the time”

“She did her job. She wasn’t thinking about LGBT issues, she wasn’t thinking about any of those types of things. She did her job and she did it well.”

WTF Caitlyn. Gay folks have been doing their jobs, without stopping to think about LGBT issues for our entire lives, but go ahead and diminish that; make us out to be self-involved and shallow and stupid ...

But that’s just you.

Republicans are complicit ...

For the tenth time in the last several months, this Republicans once again blocked a Democratic to request _____’s tax returns. The measure failed along party lines because, for right now, the GOP loves _____ and will goose-step along with his lies until ...

2018. When We The People vote them out.

Resist.

Speaking of asshat Republicans, this week, out there in Montana, Greg Gianforte—the candidate who choked a reporter for asking a question—was sworn into Congress.

And because, you know, no hard feelings, the Montana Democratic Party sent Gianforte a gift:

“Everyone knows you need plenty of suits to work on Capitol Hill. While millionaire Gianforte can certainly afford his own, we know he has a lot of legal fees to pay. So, we thought we’d help him out and get him started by mailing a new suit to his office in the Longworth House Office Building in Washington. An orange jumpsuit, that is.”

Because Gianforte should be in prison for assault, but in Montana they send you to Congress.

So, _____’s planned visit to the United Kingdom has been cancelled for the foreseeable future and it was the Queen who broke the news.

Leave it to a Queen to ban _____., but, what really happened is that ______ didn’t want to face the huge protests against him and so he is gonna stay home where ... what ... people like him?

Seriously, if he wanted to avoid places where people protest against him ... um, the Moon?

So, I’m’a just lay this out there and let y’all decide if it seems fishy ...

Remember back, last summer, when Liar, er, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan finally endorsed _____ for the Republican nomination? Ryan had been a holdout for many months, questioning whether _____ really was the right man to lead the GOP in the 2016 election, but in June something changed and suddenly Ryan was all _____.

Wha’ happened? Perhaps this ...

Earlier this week Scott Dworkin, the Co-Founder of the The Democratic Coalition Against Trump, revealed some rather interesting documents.

On August 29th, shortly after Ryan publicly endorsed _____, two of _____’s biggest campaign donors, Miriam and Sheldon Adelson, gave ... wait for it ... $20 million to Paul Ryan’s super PAC, Congressional Leadership Fund.

Those two donations represent about 40% of all the donations received by the Congressional Leadership Fund for all of 2016.

Fishy?